Tuesday, 8 January 2013

5 types of Rate-Limiting Assholes

Ever wonder why when you queue in the shortest line at a supermarket, the line next to you (that is three times longer) is going so fast that the last person in the said long line is finished before you? Or why you, without any trolley, can't go through an aisle without feeling like you are in one of these? Or why you can't get your one item Amoxycillin script as quick as a morning quickie?

It is likely, you have encountered a Rate-Limiting Asshole (RLA) listed below. Anyone who knows a bit of chemistry will remember the concept of Rate-Limiting Step; RLA is similar, only that it's an asshole that slows down an entire process that should only take 5 seconds.

(1) More than 12 items in the  "12 items or less" queue

I come from Mars and 12 = 30
These people need no explaining. Stuff you. Period. I came down here to buy some quick washing detergent cause I ran out of clean undies to wear and as I proceed with my emergency laundry, bang! out of washing powder. Shops should enact the policy of asking "Hi Sir, so which 12 items would you like to buy today?"

(2) Wrong pin/wrong card/not enough money/paying by cheque

69 people have been sentenced to death in Djibouti for paying by cheque
Cashier: "Sorry, it says wrong pin"
RLA: "oh no, I am sure it's that pin, maybe I clicked credit instead of cheque"
Cashier: "wrong account. Just choose the account you did the first time but press the pad hard when doing the pin."
RLA: Proceeds to press and click ok even though only 3 numbers were entered as the pin.
Cashier: "now your card is locked and you have to go the bank to unlock it."
RLA: "no no, I'll just try again"
RLA: "oh no, it's bounced again, do you take cheque?"

(3) Voucher Fiend

Several kids have died of starvation whilst waiting for the person in front to find the right voucher
You know the type. The one that stands there and digs through what seems like a whole wallet that is dedicated to the storage of loyalty cards and vouchers. After what seems like a million years, the person pulls out a coupon that was issued when Caesar was murdered on the lower steps of the portico.

(4) High maintenance

This picture needs no caption
Can I please get this particular slice and this one and that one, no, not that one, this one slice of salmon and can I also get it bagged separately in 4 different bags. All said whilst pushing an *empty* double pram!


Can I please pay this lot using my card but this lot using cheque and I also want $100 cash out at 9am in the morning in $20s, $10s, $5s, $2s and $1s.

(5) all of the above

Imagine a combination of the above and you will agree with me that some people just need a high-five in the face with a chair. A very succinct pictorial description of this is provided here by The Oatmeal.

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